Cancer Changes Things.

I will never forget that first round of chemo when the nurse looked at me in the middle of our conversation, touched her hand to her heart and said "It changes you. You will never be the same again." And as I have rolled that idea over in my mind over the last three weeks, I find that it has become so true. I no longer hesitate to say "I love you" to someone perhaps I would have been scared to before. I don't hesitate to grab my husband's hand for no good reason. Giving that hug to a friend has become easier. You see, before I hesitated with intimacy for fear of rejection. Now when I think about it, what am I afraid of? I'm afraid of leaving this life without those around me knowing how much I love them, how much they mean to me. That's my real fear. I want my kids to know I am actually listening to their story. Even if it is the third time I have heard it today. Or that I care enough to answer that silly question - because I know it makes them feel accepted and loved. I'm learning to let there be crumbs under the table if that means I help Juliet get into yet her third dress for the day.

Yes, cancer has changed me already. The darkness of this disease has taught me to let go of the small things. To not take any person for granted. To linger over the sweet moments and truly appreciate them.

This verse spoke volumes to me yesterday:

"And I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, Who calls you by your name." - Isiah 45:3

As it turns out, God doesn't hesitate to linger over and love on me either.