My last chemo was yesterday!

 The above is what Colin and Samuel had made for me after chemo at New Seasons yesterday. So touching!

 Above is my special chemo room for the day. Starbucks was a necessary treat for my last treatment :)

And always with these bottles of pills - I sure will be glad to put these away after this week! 

Whew - my last chemo was yesterday and quite honestly, it could not have come soon enough! I felt very read to say goodbye to my twice monthly date with the drugs and their side effects. Colin came with me this time and it lasted from 8:30 until noon (pretty typical).  The highlight of the treatment was another chemo patient rolled himself into my private room and boomed "What are you still doing here? I thought your last treatment was last time!". This was the man that I shared a nurse with last time and he insisted on covering his entire body, even he head, in his blanket - he put himself away. I have to say I was a bit judgmental about the whole thing - like any of us feel good? I would like to crawl in a hole sometimes! But I've found that having a positive outlook and spirit really makes the time go faster, the Word of the Lord snuck in much more and it makes the nurses so much nicer to me - especially when I do things like demand the IV team nurse to my IV that day, no matter whole the nurse I am working with for the day. I don't care if they are insulted - I am tired of nurses digging around painfully in my crooked, scarred veins, trying to find a good spot. On a side note - I don't have any good veins left - it took my old IV pro many a time of rubbing, heating, heating some more on my arm to finally find a spot higher up my arm. If I had to have any more chemo treatments, they would have to surgically implant a stint into my arm - I cringe at the thought. My vein scarring may not ever go away. Oh, just one of the long term affects I will take away from this whole ordeal.

Oh, back to the guy that showed up in my room. He was bold enough to ask right away what kind of cancer I have and when I said "Hodgkin's" he said "Oh, right" like he understood why a young person like me would be in there. I only ask others what they have if they have asked me first (I also like to spend my chemo time guessing what each person has - its a morbidly fun little game). I asked the same back to him and he said "colon cancer" - which shocked me. He was probably in his early forties! Apparently by the time they finally diagnosed it, it had spread to his lymph nodes and all sorts of crazy other organs down there. In his words, they took him into surgery and "gutted" him. Ew. He is currently doing 12 treatments and said he can't feel his tongue, legs, hands, etc. You know, I really don't have it that bad. At all. I will remember that as I sit here super nauseous and fuzzy brained this week. It could be worse - I could have advanced colon cancer.

I am having trouble wrapping my head around the last four months - there have been so many standstill moments where I feel like I spent days on the couch in a drug-induced or nausea-induced stupor. There have been moments of pure joy, when I find a verse in the Bible that speaks just to me, right when I need it and I know I can go on another day. There have been many moments (and they are very recent) that I battle with sadness - I don't want to shed tears in front of others, so I let myself feel sad on the inside, quietly - that I never know if this cancer will come back in two months and ultimately be a battle I fight forever, or if this truly is it. 17 radiation treatments and I'm free and clear for life? Let's hope and pray that is the case. I really want to be an amazing mom to my kids, because I have a lot of making up to do for the last year.

I'm Back

Above: On my IV drugs while reading the Bible. Below - 7th chemo treatment with the spunkiest male nurse I had ever had that made the morning so enjoyable.
Sorry for that brief dramatic intermission in the post below -- I'm back to my chemo-accepting self. I had what I thought was my second to last chemo only to find out that I actually have two more left to finish my fourth and final round of chemotherapy. I also found out that I am officially neutropenic. Which means my white cells (which are the fighters in my immune system) are so low that I have to give myself daily shots to stimulate (or squeeze)

my bone marrow to make more white cells. My nurse yesterday asked if I had Vicodin on hand at home. My eyes became like saucers. Why would I need Vicodin??? Apparently some people get in a lot of pain in their long bones where these cells are produced. There is a pain continuum and I'm not sure where I will fall on that until tonight.

I have been spending time these last couple of days focusing on the sweet things or gestures of love that are happening in my life right now to keep my spirit up. The cashier at Trader Joe's have me a fresh bunch of flowers for free after she made the mistake of asking what my Valentine's plans are. I informed her that I would be doing chemo and she immediately had so much sympathy for me. She was planning on dinner with a girlfriend and then a movie and she said "nothing special". I softly reminded her that it could be worse - she could be doing chemo. Sometimes I have to throw down the cancer card to make others feel better :) Another sweet thing was when the lady drawing my blood said she loved my long eyelashes and told me people would pay thousands for them! I didn't mention that I use the best mascara in the world, so that helps :) Jude has told me twice that he thinks I am pretty - all these things help me feel not so much like a boy and I don't have to worry about vanity from compliments since I feel so unfeminine all the time. Also, I have a new anti-nausea med that works like a charm, even if it does make me insanely sleepy. My husband brought a big beautiful bouquet home yesterday morning as I headed off to chemo. These little gestures are great for keeping my spirits up.

I was informed yesterday that I can't go out in public now due to my compromised immune system and I am extending that ban to my kids as well just to be safe. I had a stat chest X-ray yesterday because my doctor is concerned about lung damage, but that came back completely normal. This should be an interesting way to finish out chemo because I will probably be on those shots for the next two treatments and in quarantine. Anyone that 's healthy and wants to sit in my house to visit over a cup of coffee is welcome, as long as I am not sleeping from my pills :).

Lastly, I loved the chemo session yesterday because my aunt and I sat and read Psalm 139 - she read it out loud and I followed along in my Bible. It was a very sweet time with the Lord and my prayer is that others around us heard those verses in the way the Lord would have them.

Please be praying I continue to keep my spirits up and that the shots do their work mightily on my white cells with little pain for me - I need an immune system back!

It's Getting Hard, Folks

Those of you who are very close to me have heard me complaining a bit more lately. Chemo is killing me, figuratively speaking, of course. Because ironically, it's the only thing that has saved my life. I'm coming to a point where I start thinking about my chemo Tuesday and dread it. Yesterday I found myself driving to pick up Jude from school with tears in my eyes at the thought of walking into that infusion clinic. I can almost feel the nausea setting in. Oh, wait. It never left. I can feel the deep bone aches and chills I get a week out from treatment. I can feel the spacey and speed-like ditzyness I get on my anti-nausea meds. I can almost feel the lack of immune system as these drugs decimate my white bloods cells. And you know what? I started itching again. It's muted greatly compared to when I was first diagnosed, but it's an unexplained itch. And if the cancer is truly out of my body, then I shouldn't be itching at all, right? What does that mean, you might ask? I really can't think too much about a relapse at this point because I might just curl up in the corner and have an emotional breakdown.

So, for those of you who see me in the next month during my last treatments, I need encouragement. I need to know that I can handle more weeks of nausea and fatigue and inability to keep up with my four sweet children. It's harder now in many ways than it ever has been up to this point. I see the end, but I don't feel it. And with cancer, you never know if more treatment or derailments are right around the corner. Be praying for me in every way possible.

My Prayer Journal

I treasure those rare mornings when I am awake before the kids (before 6 a.m. - thanks to a steroid-induced burst of energy) and I get to spend time praying, writing in my prayer journal and reading the Bible. Yes, I keep a prayer journal. I have since 2005 (when I was fervently praying to get pregnant with our first), but the entries were pretty sporadic up until, oh, about November of last year (when I was officially diagnosed) and then as you can imagine, the entries have been quite frequent. It's amazing what cancer will do for one's prayer life :). Some entries have been quite moving when I look back at them:

11/10: Thank you for the health of my children and Colin. Let me live to see my kids grow up.

11/12: Thank you for every willing person providing meals, child care and emotional support.

12/20: after stat chest x-ray at hospital: Lord, please heal my lungs - let me continue chemo with all four drugs. Let all my organs handle chemo ok.

12/21: Thank you, God, for answering my prayer on the chest x-ray. My tumors are shrinking! As the doctor said, "the mass that was there has been resolved". Please cure me of this cancer while letting others see your light.

12/27: Let my children learn to love you - guide Colin and me as we raise them.

12/28: Prepare me to be the best mom I can be for my children.

1/3: our wedding anniversary: Thank you for my husband of 14 years!

1/9: Lord, let my present sufferings refine me. (Romans 8:18)

1/16: Let me be in remission, if it is Your will.

1/24: Thank you for my complete remission.

1/30: Be in the midst of me so I will not be moved (Psalm 46:5).

2/7: Be with Samuel and Jude - let them grow to be the men You will have them be. Let us be parents that nurture that. Be with Juliet - show me how to be a good role model and Christian woman for her. Be with Abe - heal anything wrong with him from growing in my cancerous body. Use me for your purpose today.