I have to say that radiation has been by far my most stretching time in this whole cancer journey. This week, after worrying myself silly all weekend, I realized I came to a point of desperation. As I read in my "Streams in the Desert" about desperation, I realized that this is a perfect place for God to pick right up and carry my through. No, I have never completely been at peace about radiation in general. And definitely no, I am absolutely not comfortable being strapped down to a table with weird, space-like machines beaming radiation at me which may cause me health issues later in life. But you know what? God can redeem all that - He can completely revive my healthy tissues that are being damaged. He can spare me of future breast cancer, lung cancer, reduced lung capacity, etc. If that's His will. When I lose sight of Him, I realize my anxiety sky rockets and I need to regain focus. These last few days, after nights of fervent prayers for God to just
take this burden from me, I believe it is being lifted. I am dosing down my Ativan and dosing up my concentration on the Maker of the Universe - and it's working! Why am I shocked? I've learned to relax during my treatments, to enjoy the dim lights, the music, the radiation therapists and even the other cancer patients as they fight for their lives. I had the radiation therapists take some pictures of me today in the dreaded mask.
Here is the beastly radiation machine:
Here I am before positioning and treatment:
Here I am ready to go, mask and all:
And a close up (this mask is made of rigid plastic) - don't I look like an alien?!
And after - it is a comfort that those green lines line up my radiation to the millimeter, so no healthy tissue is affected.
So far, my throat hurts and I'm getting a bit pink, but nothing I can't handle. Eating may begin to get a little hard for me pretty soon because of my throat, but I only have 8 more treatments. Yay!!
I complied a playlist of songs to get me through radiation. I thought I would post them here, because they really are getting me through a hard time.
1) "Wonderful Maker" by Jeremy Camp
2) "Hallelujah Jesus" by Evan Wickham
3) "Strong Enough" by Matthew West
4) "Not Alone" by Red
5) "Be Thou My Vision" by Jars of Clay
6) "Remember Me" by Mark Shultz (this one makes me cry)
7) "Mountain of God" by Third Day
8) "Indescribable" by Chris Tomlin
9) "Show Me Your Glory" by Third Day
10) "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe
11) "Come Thou Fount" by David Crowder Band
12) "The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay
4 comments:
You are amazing! Thank you for sharing this. I was thinking of that song, "He'll break open the clouds, to save those that cry out His name, the One the winds and waves obey, is strong enough to save you!"
you are inspiring. and faithful. God bless you. thank you for your thoughts for me today. i appreciate you being my blogging friend. you can count on my prayers for you.
So proud of you & your ownership of your attitude. He is really strengthening you by the day. btw, my throat hurts too :(
I continue to admire your honesty and candor in this process and for sharing all of these steps with us. This is a tangible way for me to see how incredibly real this is and what you face every day. Thank God for you Kami!
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