Today

Today was well, depressing. It's the first time I have actually felt like a cancer patient. I was given an IV of radioactive glucose liquid that would highlight all the cancer cells (cancer cells soak up sugar faster than regular ones) and was told to sit for 60 minutes while the liquid soaked in. I couldn't move much or talk because that would cause those parts of my body to be highlighted - a bad thing when they are looking for only cancer. Luckily, my aunt was able to join me and she sat patiently with me in silence while the 60 minutes passed. The actual PET scan was pretty nerve wracking - think of a tube that is long enough for almost your whole body passing you slowly in and out of it for 12 minutes. I could see the techs through the window looking at the images on the computers - they know so much more than I do at this point. At any rate, I prayed, thought about eating after the scan (I couldn't eat for 6 hours prior) and generally just tried to calm my mind. The disturbing part came when I was released from this medical captivity back to my room down the hall and glanced into another room that held a man gripping his head in pain. Since this was just a PET scan clinic, I could only guess brain cancer. Ugh. And I made the mistake of reading an article in Real Simple of a woman's year long journey with breast cancer. Think: her tales of chemo that spoke of not being able to taste food, no energy to move, not feeling the ends of her fingers, losing her hair, perhaps losing her fertility. Is this what's in store for me?! But I have to keep reminding myself that this treatment allows me to see my kids grow up. I am blessed to even have access to this treatment.

Which brings me to my next emotional moment: I find myself gazing into Abe's eyes and whispering "I love you" and hoping I have the opportunity to say it to him a thousand more times. Some emotions get very intense when one is diagnosed with cancer.

Today I cannot hold my baby because I am radioactive. I have to pump my milk for 48 hours and luckily Abe decided he was hungry enough to take a bottle.

Today was a bit rough, hopefully tomorrow I can get my positive spirit back and forget about the man holding his head in pain.

And since my life isn't all about cancer, I will share some Instagram photos I have been shooting on my iPhone:

Ok, Samuel took this one of himself: These are the pumpkins the boys carved the year:
When I am not feeling well, Colin takes over as caregiver of Abe (Abe is the snuggliest baby we have had and if it were up to him, he would be held all day, everyday):
Here is Colin today feeding Abe:
Sweet, sleepy baby:
Colin driving us up to Rainier to pick up the kiddos:
This was Colin's Batman costume for Halloween - super tight:
More sleepy baby: