Whew - my last chemo was yesterday and quite honestly, it could not have come soon enough! I felt very read to say goodbye to my twice monthly date with the drugs and their side effects. Colin came with me this time and it lasted from 8:30 until noon (pretty typical). The highlight of the treatment was another chemo patient rolled himself into my private room and boomed "What are you still doing here? I thought your last treatment was last time!". This was the man that I shared a nurse with last time and he insisted on covering his entire body, even he head, in his blanket - he put himself away. I have to say I was a bit judgmental about the whole thing - like any of us feel good? I would like to crawl in a hole sometimes! But I've found that having a positive outlook and spirit really makes the time go faster, the Word of the Lord snuck in much more and it makes the nurses so much nicer to me - especially when I do things like demand the IV team nurse to my IV that day, no matter whole the nurse I am working with for the day. I don't care if they are insulted - I am tired of nurses digging around painfully in my crooked, scarred veins, trying to find a good spot. On a side note - I don't have any good veins left - it took my old IV pro many a time of rubbing, heating, heating some more on my arm to finally find a spot higher up my arm. If I had to have any more chemo treatments, they would have to surgically implant a stint into my arm - I cringe at the thought. My vein scarring may not ever go away. Oh, just one of the long term affects I will take away from this whole ordeal.
Oh, back to the guy that showed up in my room. He was bold enough to ask right away what kind of cancer I have and when I said "Hodgkin's" he said "Oh, right" like he understood why a young person like me would be in there. I only ask others what they have if they have asked me first (I also like to spend my chemo time guessing what each person has - its a morbidly fun little game). I asked the same back to him and he said "colon cancer" - which shocked me. He was probably in his early forties! Apparently by the time they finally diagnosed it, it had spread to his lymph nodes and all sorts of crazy other organs down there. In his words, they took him into surgery and "gutted" him. Ew. He is currently doing 12 treatments and said he can't feel his tongue, legs, hands, etc. You know, I really don't have it that bad. At all. I will remember that as I sit here super nauseous and fuzzy brained this week. It could be worse - I could have advanced colon cancer.
I am having trouble wrapping my head around the last four months - there have been so many standstill moments where I feel like I spent days on the couch in a drug-induced or nausea-induced stupor. There have been moments of pure joy, when I find a verse in the Bible that speaks just to me, right when I need it and I know I can go on another day. There have been many moments (and they are very recent) that I battle with sadness - I don't want to shed tears in front of others, so I let myself feel sad on the inside, quietly - that I never know if this cancer will come back in two months and ultimately be a battle I fight forever, or if this truly is it. 17 radiation treatments and I'm free and clear for life? Let's hope and pray that is the case. I really want to be an amazing mom to my kids, because I have a lot of making up to do for the last year.
2 comments:
You are an amazing mother to your children! They've been watching how you handle this horrible ideal with bravery and faith. I like to believe that you're going to be free and clear after this, and that God will use this experience of yours to help encourage and empower others going through similar hardships. You're a woman of such wonderful grace, sincerity, and strength, and I'm both proud and fortunate to have you as a friend and role model ;)
Kami, never ever doubt you are an amazing mom to your kids!!! You have shown them the meaning of inner strength and beauty that will stay with them for a lifetime. Your experience may ultimately influence them to go on to study medicine, and perhaps it is Samuel who finds the cure...b/c of your experience. God only gives you what you can handle and He knew you could handle ALOT b/c you have faith, friends, and lots and lots of strength. Never doubted that you could do this. I truly truly hope it is forever...but even if not, I have no doubt you can handle it again if you have to...
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